Avenue

Mom vs. Mom

The battle between stay-at-home and working moms plays out among those faced with the blessing and burden of choice

By Alison Azer
Illustrations By Michael Byers

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A fleeting 15 hours before my second child was born, I received a call from the editor of a health magazine asking if I was available to write an article on pediatric bipolar disorder.

Nothing about the offer was tempting - the pay was a pittance, the deadline looming. And yet a rational response, something like, "Thanks for asking, but I'm in early labour and think I'll be busy for the next couple of weeks," eluded me. I accepted the assignment with the bravado of a woman who had no idea of what lay ahead.

As the next 14 days unfolded, I became virtually unhinged. In the unsettling quiet of night, in the prolonged intervals of nursing my newborn, interrupted by spurts of sleep, I agonized over the assignment. Every night, I vowed to call the editor first thing in the morning and wave the proverbial white diaper of defeat. I never made the call. Instead,I submitted a mediocre article - a B-minus at best - within syllables of the word count and minutes of the deadline.

Sitting in the community health clinic a year later as my daughter waited for her birthday vaccination, I discovered my article in a dated, pristine copy of the magazine. I felt the sting of regret as I skimmed it over, knowing the sacrifice I made to string subject and verb in the correct order. And I felt the sting of shame as I remembered boasting through my teeth to a dear friend how it was so easy to balance things the second time around. She cheered me on, insisting she didn't know how I did it. Through a blue hormonal mist - a harbinger of things to come - I replied, under my breath, "I don't know why I'm doing it."

What I didn't realize at the time was that I was embedded in a conflict zone dubbed by the scions of popular culture as "The Mommy Wars." Apparently, as the inner catfight between Stay-at-Home Me and Career Me raged, so too did public deliberation over rigid maternal archetypes.

Are women happier at home or at work? Are children happier in the folds of mom's apron or under the care of individuals with real names? And are the wheels of our national economy better greased by stay-at-home moms wielding their considerable influence over domestic purchases, or by working moms whose efforts are GDP worthy?

Leslie Morgan Steiner, editor of the anthology the Mommy Wars, says whether university-educated women work or stay at home after having children has become one of the defining issues of our generation. "With three children under the age of 10, I've traversed the continuum of stay-at-home mom and full-on career mom," she says. "These days, I've set up an office in the kitchen; how ironic is that? I guess I'd say that I'm a stay-at-the-home-office kind of mom."

Morgan Steiner argues there's a vast gap between what society says about motherhood - that it's the most important work there is - and how it treats mothers. Just ask how many stay-at-home mothers are engaged in stimulating conversation about the "real world" at cocktail parties.

And while public policy has made significant strides in terms of maternal and paternal leave, we've got a long way to go, baby. Today, Canadian moms are eligible for 55 per cent of their prenatal earnings up to $413 a week for 52 weeks. Compared to the 12 weeks of unpaid leave granted to mothers south of the border, it is generous. Calculated at an hourly rate of doing diapers, dealing with drool and delirious exhaustion 24/7, it is insulting.

Those with vested interests in proving the moral superiority of one maternal mode over the other(s) arm their manifestos with "the facts" - statistics, threats, extrapolations, exaggerations - causing even the most stalwart of mothers to quiver. In March 2007, the New York Times covered a study on the long-term effects of daycare with the headline, "Poor behavior is linked to time in daycare." In fact, the difference between the daycare kids and those kept at home was about one per cent (a figure most would agree is not statistically significant) - but who's got time to read the fine print? So, up goes the ante in the Mommy Wars - the career moms break into a guilty sweat at the office, while the at-home moms smile smugly en route to the PTA meeting.

"The glut of pseudo-scientific research on mothering is an affront to our intelligence and instincts," says Morgan Steiner. "Keep kids active - but not over-scheduled; breastfeed for six months for the eight-point IQ boost - but one year for early admission to Mensa; teach them about technology - but not enough that they wade into online pedophile traps. It would be hilarious, except that pressures like these are sometimes just enough to push overachieving mothers over the edge."

And, in fact, some mothers are finding themselves nearing that edge - perhaps especially in overachieving Calgary.

According to Carol Hauer, team leader of Postpartum Support at Calgary's Families Matter, a significant number of new mothers experience debilitating stressors after the birth of a baby. In 2006, up to 21 per cent of new moms in Calgary were at risk of postpartum depression - compare this to the national rate of 10 to 15 per cent quoted in most medical studies. Left unrecognized and untreated, postpartum depression has been known to escalate into postpartum psychosis and postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder, placing new moms and their children at grave risk.

"Calgary is an anomaly when it comes to postpartum depression and we're not entirely sure why," says Hauer. "Part of the problem is that many women are becoming mothers for the first time in their 30s, leaving behind highly rewarding and lucrative careers. The expectations are huge - they've taken the classes, read all the right books, bought the latest gear and are ready to have the perfect mothering experience. But no one does. The disappointment and feelings of inadequacy and failure can be overwhelming."

Hauer believes early discharge from hospital also contributes to a new mother's sense of isolation. "There needs to be more support, right from the start, to help women recover from labour and delivery and to adjust to their new roles," she says. "Instead, women are sent home typically within 24 hours, whether they have family support or not.

"Calgary is a highly mobile city, so many new moms don't have mothers, sisters or aunts they can call upon to make a casserole, put in a load of laundry, or watch the baby for an hour or two. And still women are told that being a mother is the most important work any [woman] can do."

BattleGround or Common Ground?

When children are young, conversations over using cloth diapers or disposables, or buying jarred carrots or pureeing your own seem titillating on three hours of sleep. But as maternity leaves whittle away and decisions over what to do on Day 366 loom, tensions can surface during even the friendliest of play dates. The lingua franca is laced with judgments that begin with, "Who am I to judge, but . . ." and declarations of opinionated gratitude like, "I'm just lucky that I don't have to . . ." It's highly coded, yet easy to decipher and sure to offend at least one person in the room.

And women love to talk, whether it's raging on a mommy blog or comparing notes while waiting in line for lattes. To wit, the number of women who stepped forward to be interviewed for this article blew me away. They had a lot in common - each with at least one university degree and a husband whose salary could support the family and then some. The majority came to Calgary in the recent go-go years, leaving family and vast support networks behind.

All in their 30s, they were funny, honest, high-achievers and desperately devoted to their children.

It wasn't a representative sample, to be sure. Whether these women wore crocs or pumps, it was a well-heeled crowd. And here's the rub: the Mommy Wars presumes a degree of privilege not awarded to those barely making a living wage. These were women who had the blessing and the burden of choice.

During the heady pre-Christmas cacophony, I interviewed handfuls of Mommy War moms. We met at my home, yelling over a colony of kids, whispered on the phone under the light of the moon and waxed motherhood pushing SUV-inspired strollers through Market Mall. Like motherhood itself, it was an eclectic assignment.

While no one was immune to the toxic cocktail of guilt and resentment, some were clearly coping better than others. Several admitted that I had caught them on a particularly good day - and it showed. Others said the day seemed stuck in an endless Gong Show - and it showed. But the common denominator was their intense mental and emotional efforts at optimizing what was best for the children with what they needed to be happy.

Ramona Johnston and her husband debated ad nauseum over whether to even have children.

"Every Sunday, we would go for long runs and the topic of conversation would inevitably turn to the pros and cons of having children," she says. "The list of cons - loss of identity, loss of income, loss of flexibility - dominated. I don't really know what changed, but suddenly we seemed ready to start trying, and I was pregnant before the month was out."

Today, as she dangles "experiential learning" toys in front of her infant son Evan, Johnston exudes a Madonna-esque glow. She said she is shocked at how much she loves being at home with her son. "I realized that that my career will always be there but my son will only be this age once, and I don't want to miss a moment and have regrets, five, 10 or 20 years from now," she says. Being a stay-at-home mom was never part of Johnston's personal business plan, and all who knew her pre-motherhood persona would have placed their bets that she'd race back to work once the maternity leave was over.

She's eager to talk and agrees to use her real name because by the time her words are immortalized in print, she'll have told her board of directors to find a replacement. Perhaps Johnston and her investment-banker husband will even be trying for Number Two.

She's deeply reflective on the ephemeral nature of the moments in child-rearing and wants them to be Mommy's moments.

"I want to be with Evan, to see first-hand all the milestones in his development," Johnston says.

Another mom, a senior executive in the energy industry, found the lure of the deal too difficult to turn down. Nearing the end of a maternity leave with her second son, she was asked to come back to work a couple of months early and given a reduced workweek as an incentive. She found a great daycare for her children, ran simulation exercises with her husband over how they'd handle potential work-life imbalances and headed back to the office.

"Before I knew it, I was being offered the career opportunity of a lifetime," she recalls. "I was asked to play a substantial role in a financing deal that would profoundly transform the company." Not to mention her life. Her husband stepped forward - despite holding down a demanding job of his own - to make it possible for her to work late during the week and during naps, play dates and lessons on the weekend.

"We knew it wouldn't last forever and we had a big family holiday planned for the end of the project," she says.

A year later, she received a stunning promotion with significant strategic and managerial responsibility. She says she's found a way to be both corporate leader and active participant in her children's lives. "I regularly take afternoons off to volunteer at my children's schools, even if it means opening up my laptop after the kids go to bed," she says, adding it's all about having confidence about the decisions she's made and knowing that her kids will always trump her career.

"A couple of times a month, my husband and I sit down with our Blackberries and compare schedules. We call it ‘Meeting Triage,'" she laughs. "We see what each of us has scheduled, what the kids are doing and what needs to happen at home. We make a plan and work the plan. It's never perfect, but it's the best we can do. And I can't imagine us doing it any other way."

For all its joys and rewards, motherhood is a tectonic plate that shifts, collides and sometimes sinks under prevailing pressures, expectations and disappointments.

"Motherhood is a long journey, not a life sentence," says Morgan Steiner. "I yearn for the day when women can make choices - to work, to be home with kids, to do some of both - and be supported and celebrated in ways that are meaningful. Mothers need to speak out, tell the truth and 'fess up to the sacrifices and the trade-offs we all make whether we're at home or at work."

The fact that there are trade offs -beyond the family bottom line - for both moms and kids when moms choose to stay at home, is rarely talked about.

Christy Robson, mother of one and a fund development professional with a major Calgary nonprofit organization, was refreshingly willing to 'fess up to the parameters that shaped her decision to return to work full-time.

"In many ways, it came as a surprise," Robson recalls. "For the first year of being home with Molly, I really enjoyed it. But as she got a little older, I felt I wasn't able to give her the stimulation and socialization she needed. And I wasn't getting the stimulation and socialization I needed."

When Molly turned 14 months old, Robson contacted her former employer and asked if there were any openings. Within the month, Robson was back at work full-time and Molly was in day care full-time.

"For the most part, it works really well," says Robson. "Molly seems to be thriving - she talks so well and is really close to her care providers. Of course, there are days when I feel guilty for going to work - and loving it - when it's not financially necessary for me to work. But at the end of the day, I think I'm a better mom when I'm working - my mental health is important, too."

Still, as Robson knows, the archetypal battle between domestic maternal diva and working supermoms plays out under the arched eyebrows, curled lips and snarling gazes of exalted onlookers whose stinging judgments are delivered with misleading nonchalance.

I reached one mom - a geologist with two young children - during a particularly soul-searching time in her life. "I love my job - the challenge, the learning, the interaction with peers - and I was eager to come back after my first maternity leave," she says. "But returning to work after my second, and likely the last, child has been much more difficult. I really have the feeling that I'm missing out. It's not the worry that I'll miss the first steps or first words, but that I'm missing swaths of time - quantity time - just being together."

Speaking with her, I get the sense that she'd love a nudge from the universe, something that forces her hand to head back home. Then she comes clean. "Lately I've found myself thinking that if I got laid off from my job, I'd not only receive a fairly decent package - I'd have my dilemma resolved," she says.

"My husband and family are really supportive of me, which makes all the difference. Sometimes, people on the periphery pass judgment. My cleaning lady once asked sweetly if my children weren't too young to be in daycare. Sure, it stings a little.

"The other day, I had lunch with a woman in my profession who was my mentor several years ago - ironically, when her children were the same ages as mine are now. I told her that at the time I couldn't relate to all she had to juggle - but certainly did now and admired her even more. I was shocked when she replied that if she ever could do it again, she'd drop the career and focus on her kids."

The women I spoke to were passionate and opinionated, but not dogmatic. And while I was on the lookout for mommy warriors, I didn't find anyone who wore full body armour. But that's not to say that there is anything artificial about the angst that exists around mothering - it's real and a real shame. Society and the institutions that uphold it are failing mothers and thereby failing families.

In her book, The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars, Miriam Peskowitz says that, decades ago, women's frustration with mothering was called "the problem without a name." No longer. Names abound, like the Mommy Wars, work-life balance, the stay-at-home mom explosion and the new stay-at-home moms. Peskowitz isn't impressed by any of them. "The problem, at the heart, is that mothers and fathers want to spend time with their kids, perhaps stay home during their youngest years and work reduced hours later on, and the workplace in general doesn't allow this," she writes. "The typical workplace bets on having workers whose lives and children don't get in the way of work."

Once upon a time, choices defining work and home were easier to make, if not only because there weren't that many. These days, women traverse a broad range of options with weighted averages of time with kids and time with colleagues. There's no one truth to motherhood, but many truths. Sure there's tension, judgments and jealousies, but they don't define us and they shouldn't divide us. After all, it takes a village to raise a mother.