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Calgary, CA
August 19, 2019

How to Eat Prairie Oysters

If you’ve never tried this Stampede-season staple before, here’s how to do it. (You’ll probably need a lot of beer.)

Step 1: Assemble a group of friends. Find a sunny patio. Settle in.

Step 2: Order and consume several beers of the light-drinking lager variety (avoid hearty stouts that fill your stomach and make you want to take a nap).

Step 3: Consume lagers until you are inclined to order a deep-fried, salty snack. Request menu.

Step 4: Focus eyes and scan menu, exclaim aloud if “prairie oysters” appear.

Step 5: Suggest ordering the euphemistically named deep-fried bull testicles. When your friends taunt you with lacking the fortitude to consume this Stampede-season staple, reply that perhaps they would care to make it interesting.

Step 6: Inform server that you would like the prairie oysters – and another round of beers.

Step 7: When the dish arrives, squint so as to create an illusion that the oysters are just large corn fritters. Repeat this in your mind in the manner of a mantra, which will block out the “mooing” sounds by your jerk friends.

Step 8: Pick up the oyster with your fingers – foregoing the use of utensils will avoid discovering any textural qualities that would render it unsavoury.

Step 9: Cram it in your mouth in the aggressive, competitive-eating-influenced manner of the proverbial hefty child on a Cheeto.

Step 10: Chase with beer. Accept and flaunt $20 bill.

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