Three summers ago, Nieva Burns gave birth to her daughter, Esther, who died 22 days later from preterm complications.
“She was beautiful and tough, and, other than being tiny [1.2 lbs], she was perfect,” says Burns. Esther’s death was, and is, a shattering experience for Burns and her husband, Paul Rodgers. They struggled to cope with their grief. Eventually, the couple discovered the non-profit Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Centre (PILSC).
Founded by former social worker Aditi Loveridge, PILSC was spurred by Loveridge’s own grief: she miscarried several times before giving birth to her now 11-year-old son. Enduring the physical and emotional pain of those losses, Loveridge was driven to support couples grieving lost pregnancy, infant death or infertility. “Losing a baby is a unique type of loss and the nuances of grief are difficult for others to understand,” she says. “It’s not only the loss of a baby or a pregnancy, but a loss of trust in your body, and a loss of hopes and dreams.”
Following Esther’s death, well-intentioned folks sometimes made comments that unhelpfully dismissed the couple’s sadness. “People said things like, ‘At least you know you can get pregnant,’” says Burns.
As Loveridge explains, “it’s difficult for people in our society to talk about death, especially when it comes to a baby — we want to hurry grief along.”
For Burns, connecting with other loss-parents via PILSC was enormously helpful. She says an art-therapy group helped her process emotions “in a gentle way when I wasn’t ready to face it all at once.”
As for friends and family searching for the “right” thing to say, Loveridge suggests going to the next thing you planned to say.
Burns agrees: “Just go straight to ‘I made you a casserole.’ That’s a good place to start.”
Underpinning therapy at the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Centre (proffered by professional coaches or counsellors) is a unique perspective on grief that Loveridge calls the microdose method. She and her team work to empower bereaved parents to approach their grief in small doses at their own pace. PILSC currently also offers peer support groups and crafting/workshop events for loss-parents to connect. Learn more at pilsc.org.
